I love the 3 am version of people.
Vulnerable. Honest.
Real.
Do you ever have words pop off the screen and settle right into your soul? I believe words hold immense power, but some quotes resonate more deeply within me. That was the case this morning when I found this quote on Instagram. I paused my scrolling, the crisp white letters against a black background were a sharp contrast to the overly exposed and orange hued pictures that flood my feed. I read and re-read the words, letting them dance their way through me and uncovering thoughts and emotions that are usually only touched upon in the dead of the night.
That was some powerful stuff for pre-caffeinated Sara.
Back in university, I used to write my best essays the night before they were due. Procrastination at its very best, but my words always seemed to flow easier when my brain was craving sleep. I didn’t have the energy to filter my thoughts, so sentences became paragraphs which became thought provoking essays that weren’t subjected to my normally overthinking mind.
Motherhood has presented me with many dead-of-the-night musings. I loved how pure my thoughts were during that time. There was no filter, no rationalization, no inhibitions. Just like writing my essays, my emotions would run through my head with wild abandon, free to go where they willed. Sadness and joy, grief and excitement…all were amplified far beyond what my daytime mind would ever allow.
Morning would come, and my walls would be back up. Every thought would be carefully processed before being shared: how will this be perceived, will someone feel differently about me if I share, is addressing my discomfort worth the possibility of upsetting another person? I have been told I appear cold and aloof, deliberate and dispassionate. I can count on one hand the amount of people who know the 3am me.
This morning, as I stared at that small, cathartic square on my screen, I realized that I have been living my life as a mere shadow of myself. The 3am version of me is the real Sara. I want to live with the intense vulnerability that usually only comes in the darkness. I deserve to feel the highest of highs and the lowest of lows without apologies. And I realized that I need to surround myself with people who can both accept my emotional honesty and show me their 3am self.
Life is short, and words are powerful. It’s time to live my life in the freedom of 3am. Vulnerable, honest, and real.